The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

Please Note/ Disclaimer: This was so rewarding for me to write and yet VERY hard to press "Publish".  It is one weakness as a mother that I struggle with.  It is in no way written to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like they are doing "it" wrong.  It was a way for me to express my feelings and to get it out.  I feel better now!

I have just under 3 weeks to go until I go back to the big "B", work that is and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous.  It's been so long since I was there I fear that my co-workers hate me at this point.
On one hand I'm looking forward to going back to work for the adult interaction and on the other hand I don't want to go back because I'm longing to stay at home with my girls.
It's constantly on my mind and I wanted to get it out in the open.  I know that there are all types of women out there that feel the same as I do and others who would gladly go into work everyday.  I've talked to many that have said "I couldn't be a stay at home mom.  It's just not me."  Others that say "I love being able to stay home to take care of my little ones."
Today's society doesn't really allow women (or men for that matter) to be able to stay at home without having to give up so much while the other spouse works.  Even if you do get to stay home some women (or men) feel guilty for not being able to "provide" when in fact they are providing in the way of raising the family and keeping a happy home.  That would be me and I don't like putting all that pressure on my husband.
No matter how I look at it I find pros and cons to both staying home and going to work and it's driving me crazy!!
Who wouldn't want to stay home with these two precious children.

Hug on them like there is no tomorrow!

Yes it's true I have had REALLY HARD days while being home with both of them the last few months.  I'm not going to lie.  It hasn't been easy.  Days were I feel like I want to pull my hair out or just run away.  No sleep, no showering and sometimes missed meals just so that I could take care of the little ones that the Lord has so carefully placed into my life.
No one ever tells you about the struggles you face as a mother (or father).  It's HARD work physically but more so mentally.  I have days where I wonder what happened to me?  I know my husband has experienced the same.  Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.
I would never trade any of those hard days for days without them.  They are everything to me and so much more.  The good days far out weigh the bad.  "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

Nothing ever goes as planned and you don't always get that "great picture".

Yes it also may be true that I could be a better mother to them on the days that I don't have them ALL day.  I'm human, I'm selfish, I'm emotional, I'm tired, I'm up and I'm down.  Who isn't?  I have good days and I have bad days but so do they.
I have days at work when I just don't want to be there, where people annoy me and days where I LOVE it!  I love the challenge that my job gives me and I love being able to reap the rewards that I get when I do a job well done.  I'm not going to lie it's an awesome feeling!  Who doesn't love that kind of attention?!?  You're crazy if you don't.  The people I work with are amazing, smart and inspirational.  Some I consider very good friends and without them I sometimes wouldn't be able to get through the day without them.  Praise Jesus for placing those people in my life!
I don't get kudos for a job well done with my children but you know what they do in return?  They smile, they laugh, they hug, they love, they fill my heart to the fullest!!!!  No "Kudos" could ever make me feel that, ever!
It's the best job in the world to be a mommy.  "Being a mother in the highest paid job in the world.  Since the payment is in pure LOVE."  It's the hardest thing I have ever been through and the most rewarding.

For some who don't know I have come from a past that most would not be proud of.  For many years I never thought that I could ever be forgiven for the things that I have done to myself and to others.  But the Lord has forgiven me and blessed me beyond anything I could have EVER imagined.  He has placed amazing people in my life that have helped me get to where I am today.  I am so thankful and overwhelmed.   The Lord has a plan and it's perfect.  I don't regret anything it has made me who I am today and I love that person. " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

The Lord has blessed me not only with an amazing husband and best friend and a beautiful family but He has blessed me with an amazing job that I could not have pictured to be in this life of mine.  It's just not possible.  I give Jesus ALL the credit.  I asked and He delivered!!  "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7

It's funny, a friend of mine told me the other day when we were talking about spending money and I was being frugal with how I felt I should spend my money on daycare, "You're rich you can afford it."  I looked at her kind of hurt and annoyed by her statement and said "I'm not rich.  I've been blessed but I'm not rich."  Everyone has a different definition of being "rich"whether it refers to money or love.  We live comfortable. YES, I AM SOO THANKFUL!!  I thank Jesus everyday for all the blessing that He has given me and to my husband.  So you ask why would I want to throw that away and be with my kids?  As a mother or father yourself why would you?
I'm rich with the love that the Lord shows on me, with the love that I experience everyday from my best friend, with the love that my children give to me, and the love and support from my family.  LOVE it's the best!
So I sit here thinking, crying, stewing, worrying, praying, struggling, forward searching...
I know some of you have gone through the same things and some just don't understand the struggle.
Yet as i write the choice IS to go back to work but, do I want to?  NO!   For my family?  YES!
You may be saying suck it up and deal with it and put your big girl panties on.  Believe me I tell myself that everyday but the three year old in me is laying on the ground screaming a kicking.   I am dealing with it the best way I know how.
Pray for me, be forgiving of me when I have a bad day because I want to be home with my girls, understand me, and show me that I can do it.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Praise JESUS!  

Thank you for listening to me talk about my weakness...  It's hard to admit it but yet it feels so good.  Just know that if you are dealing with the same struggles or even anything close to it at ALL tell me about it so that I can pray for you too!  If you don't want to talk about it but still need prayer let me know.  
It's a hard world out there and prayer is strong!

Much love and blessings.

"A Mother is she who can take place of all others, but whose place no one else can take."